“I got the phone call telling me I had cancer on Tuesday, 4th March, 2025. The following day, after being admitted into hospital, I found out it was inoperable and terminal. The morning after that, I had a once in a lifetime experience of God visiting me in my hospital room.

God in a hospital room

I was laying in bed in the darkness, around 5 am, in a foreign country, praying out in despair, “Lord, I believe, help my unbelief”. Then, God came to me in a vision of a smoking fire pot and poured himself out to me. The peace that came over me in that moment was total and life changing.

Everyday for those two weeks in the hospital I experienced different blessings. He taught different lessons, brought me different people, actively changed me, and realigned portions of my internal world and knowledge. All doubt was erased, I no longer “practiced” faith, but rather just had faith. Yet in spite of this, I have not experienced healing. I have had nearly zero positive health movements since the diagnosis. But still, this blessing of his presence was greater than anything I could receive on Earth. It has created a dual longing, one for life here, and another for passing through the cold river of death to see my Father in heaven fully. In a greater way than He already has on Earth, He has met my greatest needs through Himself. Sooner or later, he will give me what I have come to want most, which is Him. 

Meeting with God in the abyss

Since then, a few times a week I get up early in the morning, and I go into what I call “the abyss”. I intentionally look at the deepest, hardest, darkest parts of my life: my heart, my mind, and also my health. It can often involve chasing fear, pain, or sin. Then I recognise God as the one true light to create clarity out of what I am looking at through His eyes as best as possible. I also recognise the power of the Holy Spirit in me. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I come to terms with the abyss as best as possible. I ask God who he wants me to be in this, and move into his shaping power and love. 

Insight through the process of death

I am at the time in my life when I’m supposed to be hitting my stride, getting married, having kids, in a “career”, and building a life. Getting cancer, especially an aggressive terminal cancer, has functionally ended all of that. This part of the cost has been extreme. The process of death indeed takes everything, but it also provides massive insight. It comes through paying attention to death as a character that accompanies you on this path. I have done so as best as possible.

A truth that became deeply clear is the more near-sighted we get in life and blind to the reality of death, the more skewed our perspective of life is in the long run. It’s as if recognizing the end- our own mortality, the fragility of life, the preciousness of life in ourselves and others- shifts our values. It allows us to understand there is more to life than the present moment we are experiencing. I have found this to be particularly true in the conversation of valuing material or worldly gain against human connection and value.

Our blindness to death amplifies our desire for things, status, power, and money. We really think, and therefore act, like we get to keep those things. We believe they give us value and security. Earthly comforts help us hide from death, creating distraction, illusion, and “purpose.” I’m not saying these things are not necessary for life in many ways. However, the way we orient ourselves to them is what determines their long term effect on us and the people around us. When we value them over the people we love, we actually cheapen them. We devalue the positive, long-term impact we could have on the world around us. 

All that matters is loving God and loving people

As the near end of my life became clear, what really matters was revealed in an instant: loving God and loving people. All other priorities were rescinded. Realizing they are the only two things of real value was a wild moment for me. The juxtaposition wasn’t lost on me either; one of the two is eternal and has already experienced and overcome death, the others are just as “finitite” as I am.

Love for the people around me that I already cared about exploded even more. The awareness of God’s place and purpose in death became as sweet as it was sour. I have lived by a rule as best as possible for most of my adult life, “you only get one of each person in your life, treat them as such, leave them better than you found them.” No doubt I have failed at this many times, but it has become a core aspect of how I am trying to live out the end of my life. This is especially true for my wife, family, and friends. Meeting with death gave me that insight quickly and it has deeply benefitted me this last year of my life. The fulfillment of deeply loving God and man has been one of the best parts of my life.”